Divorce is arguably one of the most sensitive issues within the church today. It is prevalent within secular society and unfortunately has greatly affected the Christian church at large as well. Regardless of the statistics between secular and non-secular, divorce is rampant and confusion regarding where the Bible stands on this divisive issue is of utmost importance if the body of Christ is to survive this epidemic.
I am comforted as I write this post by the words of Christ who proclaimed, "He who has ears, let him hear" (Matthew 13:9). Preceding this verse, Jesus teaches the parable of the sower which reminds us that the Word of God is sustenance to men and women who proclaim themselves as born-again Christians, and of no value to those who reject its absolute truth. In turn, each of us receives the Word differently in our hearts based on our spiritual maturity and thus applies that truth accordingly to our theological foundation. "And he told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away. Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty" (Matthew 13:3-8).
Again, it is absolutely critical that before delving into a hot topic such as divorce one must reconcile whether he/she believes God's Word is absolute truth, yet many Christians struggle with reconciling how they truly feel about Scripture. If we are to understand the heart of God, we must embrace John 1:1 as our foundation: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God" (John 1:1). If Jesus is who He says He is in the pages of Scripture, even if one is accepting of the New Testament alone, Scripture in its entirety is absolute truth for Jesus was the fulfillment of Old Testament prophesy and teaching. “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished" (Matthew 5:17-18). Jesus therefore is the manifestation of God's Word and we must reconcile this truth first and foremost in our lives if we are to understand what Scripture says about ANY topic. "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth" (John 1:14).
In order to understand what Matthew 5:31-32 details, we must grasp the context to which Christ is speaking. As we have learned in our exegetical journey through Matthew 5, Jesus directly addressed Pharisaical teaching and behavior that undermined the true meaning of Scripture. He did not contradict the Law (Old Testament) but clarified its deeper meaning concerning prevalent issues such as anger, lust, divorce, oaths, retaliation, and love for one's enemies. Jesus sought after the roots of sin within our hearts and removed all justifications regarding law-abiding. Murder became a deeper issue concerning anger and bitterness (Matthew 5:21-26). Adultery became a convicting examination to the lustful intent toward another (Matthew 5:27-30). And now divorce is stripped of its "irreconcilable differences/incompatibility" justification and clearly defined on the ground (not including 1 Corinthians 7:12-16) to which one is allowed (not mandated) to divorce, if necessary, according to Jesus in Matthew 5:31-32.
It goes without saying that this study will create a stir within the heart of many because it cuts deep to our core beliefs. It strips away surface discussions and forces us to make a choice regarding what we believe on hot topics that are commonly accepted all around us, such as divorce. "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account" (Hebrews 4:12-13). Let us all be soberly reminded that we all will give an account not only for our thoughts and actions, but for what we believe. Scripture demands we make a choice either in favor of God's Word in its entirety or not. For to pick and choose what we want to accept or not accept in Scripture undermines Christ Himself as declared in John 1:1. It's all or nothing concerning the Word of God.
Assuming one believes Holy Scripture is divinely inspired, inerrant, infallible, and absolute truth manifested in the person of Jesus Christ, one can now examine what the Bible has to say about divorce without reservation. As we consider Matthew 5:31-32, we must understand the content Jesus is speaking about, which draws us back to Deuteronomy 24:1-4 concerning the Mosaic legislation Moses put into place to bring order to the chaotic practice of divorce that was rampant. In those days, divorce concerning adultery was a non-issue. If one was found guilty of adultery under the law of Moses, the sentence was death by stoning, not an option for divorce. Where the aforementioned "certificate of divorce" came into play was due to the pressing hearts of sinful men looking to exploit their lustful cravings and seeking divorce for any reason whatsoever from their wives. This consequently left many women completely vulnerable and at immense risk. Something had to be done to protect women from frivolous divorce claims which provides the context to which Moses addressed the issue legislatively.
"When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, and if she goes and becomes another man's wife, and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the LORD. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the LORD your God is giving you for an inheritance" (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). This law provided legal protection so that if a woman was given a certificate of divorce by her husband, he could not take advantage of her financially. "By charging his wife with some indecency, the first husband acquired her dowry--her father's marriage present to her--when he divorced her. Remarrying, she was given a second dowry. This example then implies that, when her second marriage ended (either through death of through more trivial grounds of divorce), she was able to keep her second dowry. The first husband is forbidden to remarry her to acquire her second dowry. This law protects the woman from exploitation by her first husband" (ESV Study Bible Commentary). Moreover, this legislation provided legal documentation that required a man to establish a viable reason under the title of uncleanness and prove that in the sight of two witnesses, thus eliminating frivolous and superficial justifications for divorce in order to protect the woman.
In order to further understand Jesus' position on divorce, we must cross reference Matthew 5:31-32 with another passage of Scripture where Jesus was directly tested on this issue. "And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery" (Matthew 19:3-9).
Here we come to understand why divorce was allowed, not commanded, and what God's design was from the beginning regarding the union of man and woman. Jesus cites Genesis 2:24 that what God has joined together, man shall not separate except in the event that adultery is present, which would provide the lone exception Jesus cites in Matthew 5:31-32 as allowable for divorce. Note that Jesus clarifies that divorce was never commanded, as the Pharisees held firm to in their own sinful teaching, but is allowed for adultery. And even more so, if a man unlawfully divorces his wife and marries another, he therefore commits adultery and causes his former wife to commit adultery as well if she remarries. The greater point here is that marriage in the eyes of God is a spiritual union, not merely a legal contract. A man and a woman become ONE FLESH in marriage, and that carries a deeper meaning than we could ever fathom. Consider the parallel understanding of how Jesus and the Father are ONE: "Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own authority, but the Father who dwells in me does his works. Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me, or else believe on account of the works themselves" (John 14:10-11). If we understand the meaning of oneness that Christ demonstrated in His union with the Father, we can comprehend the severity with which God established marriage from the beginning. Marriage was, is and forever will be a covenant commitment of one man and one woman unto death in God's economy, which is why Paul so emphatically cautioned regarding adultery, "Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh" (1 Corinthians 6:16).
Jesus states clearly though that if a man or woman divorces their mate for any reason other than [greek: porneia] sexual immorality (i.e. sexual intercourse via adultery, fornication, homosexuality, bestiality, incest, etc.), the one who initiated the divorce commits adultery if he/she remarries and consequently causes the one who received the divorce to commit adultery as well if he/she remarries. There can be no confusion here regarding the implications Jesus declares when divorce is unlawful according to God's standard. This is as grievous a sin as is declared in Scripture and will be judged severely if not confessed and repented of, which supports God's overall position regarding divorce as recorded by the prophet Malachi: "You cover the LORD's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the LORD, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless" (Malachi 2:13-16 ESV). It is no wonder many Bible translations begin Malachi 2:16 with the emphatic words, "For I hate divorce," says the Lord, the God of Israel" (NAS/NIV/NKJV/NLT/etc). Here we see that God views unlawful divorce as an act of violence due to man taking Deuteronomy 24:1 out of context and using the Mosaic legislation as a justification to divorce for any reason. The Lord will not regard or accept that divorce but judge swiftly and without remorse.
It is imperative to note that while this study is based primarily on Matthew 5:31-32, the apostle Paul does declare one other Biblical ground for divorce to the Corinthian church which is abandonment by the unbeliever. "To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Again, per John 1:1, we can safely accept this reason as endorsed by Christ since He is the manifestation and inspiration of God's Word. Keep in mind that Scripture warns against a believer entering into a marital covenant with an unbeliever. "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14). However, Paul's instruction in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 addresses the fact that if a believer does enter into a marital covenant with an unbeliever, or two unbelievers marry and one becomes a believer after the fact, in neither case is divorce allowed as an option to the believer. In such a case, God desires to use the believer as an instrument of His grace to bring the unbeliever into a saving relationship with Jesus Christ. Biblical divorce is only permissible if the unbeliever completely abandons the marriage altogether, thus providing the believer with the option of Biblical remarriage.
Now there are additional questions that this entire discussion raises regarding what a spouse should do in the event of great sin that is far from frivolous, but does not fall under the banner of adultery; in particular, abuse (physical, verbal, substance, etc). What must a spouse do if found in that circumstance both to protect him/herself and that of children caught in the middle? Paul provides some clarity: "To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife" (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). I believe this provides the option of separation if absolutely necessary (ex: a drunkard who physically abuses at home) to allow for a time of protection and environment of stability while intervention, counsel and reconciliation are pursued. Without question, this decision should absolutely come after immense prayer, discernment, and wise, Biblical counseling. Never should a decision of this magnitude be made without the support of wise (certified if possible), Biblical counselors. Separation, while not an immediate escape route, is allowed if necessary, but that should be a time of deep prayer and spiritual reflection, not an avenue to pursue divorce or seek an adulterous relationship.
Undoubtedly, there is the question of what should be done if you as a believer have taken the initiative and divorced your spouse on unbiblical grounds per Christ's standard. If both you and your ex are unmarried (and both believers), seek Biblical counseling together, reconcile the issues that caused the divorce in the first place, seek genuine repentance and forgiveness, and unite your marriage bond once again. If you or your ex have since remarried, again seek genuine repentance and forgiveness, but do not divorce your current spouse to reunite with your first to avoid causing your second spouse to commit adultery, nor cause your remarried spouse to divorce his/her spouse. Ultimately though, reconciliation between husband and wife is ideal for God can restore and redeem any broken marriage. For the Lord declares, "I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten" (Joel 2:25).
In summary:
- Biblical divorce is allowed for only two reasons: 1. Adultery (physical, sexual union with another male or female, homosexuality, bestiality, incest, etc.); or 2. Abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. (Matthew 5:31-32, 19:3-9; 1 Corinthians 7:12-16)
- Separation is allowed under extreme circumstances as a time for prayer, counsel and intervention, and as a temporary solution for the goal of marital reconciliation to the separated spouse. (1 Corinthians 7:12-16)
- He/She who initiates divorce on unbiblical grounds, causes both parties to commit adultery if either remarry. (Matthew 5:31-32)
- Reconciliation for an unbiblical divorce is highly recommended with the aid of wise, Biblical counseling assisting throughout, bathed in attitudes of humility, repentance, and Biblical, positive change assuming both are believers. (1 Corinthians 7:12-16; 2 Corinthians 6:14)
- Remarriage is allowed for the faithful spouse when divorce is on Biblical grounds (see first bullet point). The unfaithful spouse must first seek genuine repentance and forgiveness for sins unto God and the same toward the faithful spouse for reconciliation if the faithful spouse agrees to save the marriage. (Matthew 5:31-32, 19:3-9)
- Remarriage is allowed when a spouse dies. (Romans 7:1-3)
- Remarriage is possible for a repentant spouse who caused a divorce and sought reconciliation of the marriage but was unable to due to the faithful spouse remarrying, unwilling to reconcile, proving to be an unbeliever, or is deceased.
- For further consideration and perspective on the topic of divorce and remarriage, go to: www.gracechurch.org/ministries/Resource.aspx?88
One over-riding question in this entire examination is why God would even allow divorce in the day of Moses if that was not His will nor intention from the beginning. Jesus provides the answer: "Because of your hardness of heart" (Matthew 19:8). This answer should strike a cord within every human heart for what man or woman can proclaim that his/her heart has never been hardened at some point. Hardness of heart is a point of judgment by God when we close ourselves off from the truth of His Word and judge for ourselves what is right or wrong. For Jesus highlights this hypocritical thinking by calling out divorce as a point of hardheartedness when it is decided outside of adultery or abandonment by the unbeliever. "Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed" (Romans 2:1-5).
Let it be said however that even adultery in particular is not an unpardonable sin. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Be encouraged! For without question a marriage completely desolated by adultery can be redeemed, but it takes genuine repentance on the part of the offender, confession and acknowledgement of sin, 100% ownership of the sin without any justification of blame-shifting whatsoever, an unwavering desire and application of change consistently over time, and a humble attitude of heart that is focused on seeking forgiveness and reconciliation unto the authority and instruction of God's Word. Ideally, certified Biblical counseling is mandatory within this process, but again, reconciliation can occur if the offender applies these truths and the offended spouse is willing to forgive and reconcile. Yes, trust has been completely annihilated, but it can be rebuilt over time with accountability and consistency of a changed, repentant heart bearing the fruits of the spirit. Keep in mind though that this recipe for success will not in any way guarantee that the marriage will be reconciled. There are immense consequences for the sinful choice of an adulterous decision, some permanent. And while some offended men or women may choose to forgive and reconcile with their spouse despite adultery, others will be so consumed by a level of pain and betrayal that they feel they cannot overcome and will choose to divorce. And as such, the offended party is given that right due to the sinful actions of the adulterous spouse and the mandate of Matthew 5:31-32 proclaimed by Christ.
Therefore, divorce may inevitably result despite a Biblical course of repentant action by the adulterous spouse, but it does not pardon the calling of Scripture to confess, repent, and sin no more regardless of whether the marriage will be reconciled or not. The first step in owning one's sin is reconciling first and foremost to God. That is always our first course of action for He is our Creator, Savior and eternal judge, and He lovingly offers unconditional grace, mercy and forgiveness to those who humbly confess and repent of their sins. "Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more" (John 8:2-11). The second step is always reconciling unto your faithful spouse whom you have sinned against in obedience to Scripture. "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matthew 5:23-24).
My prayer is that this humble attempt to unpack the issue of divorce has not fallen on deaf ears or hardened hearts but has been enlightening to those who may never have understood all that Scripture has to say concerning divorce, and in some cases (by the power of the Holy Spirit) convicting to those who may be struggling with the decision of divorce within their own current or past marriages. My desire is simply to present the truth of God's Word as accurately as possible speaking truth in love, and I pray that has been accomplished to the best of my ability. I encourage us all to examine the Scriptures for ourselves to ensure that our theology concerning divorce or any other issue aligns with what the Scriptures say if indeed we proclaim ourselves as born-again Christians. For "the law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward. Who can discern his errors? Declare me innocent from hidden faults. Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer" (Psalm 19:7-14).
Let it be said however that even adultery in particular is not an unpardonable sin. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Be encouraged! For without question a marriage completely desolated by adultery can be redeemed, but it takes genuine repentance on the part of the offender, confession and acknowledgement of sin, 100% ownership of the sin without any justification of blame-shifting whatsoever, an unwavering desire and application of change consistently over time, and a humble attitude of heart that is focused on seeking forgiveness and reconciliation unto the authority and instruction of God's Word. Ideally, certified Biblical counseling is mandatory within this process, but again, reconciliation can occur if the offender applies these truths and the offended spouse is willing to forgive and reconcile. Yes, trust has been completely annihilated, but it can be rebuilt over time with accountability and consistency of a changed, repentant heart bearing the fruits of the spirit. Keep in mind though that this recipe for success will not in any way guarantee that the marriage will be reconciled. There are immense consequences for the sinful choice of an adulterous decision, some permanent. And while some offended men or women may choose to forgive and reconcile with their spouse despite adultery, others will be so consumed by a level of pain and betrayal that they feel they cannot overcome and will choose to divorce. And as such, the offended party is given that right due to the sinful actions of the adulterous spouse and the mandate of Matthew 5:31-32 proclaimed by Christ.
Therefore, divorce may inevitably result despite a Biblical course of repentant action by the adulterous spouse, but it does not pardon the calling of Scripture to confess, repent, and sin no more regardless of whether the marriage will be reconciled or not. The first step in owning one's sin is reconciling first and foremost to God. That is always our first course of action for He is our Creator, Savior and eternal judge, and He lovingly offers unconditional grace, mercy and forgiveness to those who humbly confess and repent of their sins. "Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more" (John 8:2-11). The second step is always reconciling unto your faithful spouse whom you have sinned against in obedience to Scripture. "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matthew 5:23-24).
My prayer is that this humble attempt to unpack the issue of divorce has not fallen on deaf ears or hardened hearts but has been enlightening to those who may never have understood all that Scripture has to say concerning divorce, and in some cases (by the power of the Holy Spirit) convicting to those who may be struggling with the decision of divorce within their own current or past marriages. My desire is simply to present the truth of God's Word as accurately as possible speaking truth in love, and I pray that has been accomplished to the best of my ability. I encourage us all to examine the Scriptures for ourselves to ensure that our theology concerning divorce or any other issue aligns with what the Scriptures say if indeed we proclaim ourselves as born-again Christians. For "the law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward. Who can discern his errors? Declare me innocent from hidden faults. Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer" (Psalm 19:7-14).
